there's the unthinkable and the thinkable unthinkable

Sometimes the unthinkable happens.

And, you know, sometimes the unthinkable isn't quite so unthinkable.

I'm currently sat on the couch at my friends' apartment. I decided to take my fall break and spend it up in Knoxville, Tennessee with Lex and Em. It's been really great to get away from life and school and work and responsibilities for a few days.

But tomorrow I head back to reality.

And I'm not looking forward to it.

You see, "reality" has now turned into this thing that is more than I want to deal with right now. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but I just can't deal with everything right now.

Mum has cancer...again. About a month ago, she felt a knot in her right forearm. The weeks that followed were a whirlwind of doctor's appointments and tests. It ended when she had surgery two weeks ago. Last Tuesday I went with mum to her followup appointment. That's when we learned that the tumour that was in her arm was a sarcoma, the same type as her second cancer in 1999.

This is an example of when the unthinkable isn't quite so unthinkable.

I did actually have a point to this post. It was all mapped out (in my head) and it was going to be surface level exposure of my thoughts and super positive and uplifting.

But that isn't reality. That isn't how life always is.

It's one thing for you to be a young child and have one of your parents develop cancer. It's a completely different thing to be an adult and have one of your parents develop cancer.

Before this past weekend, I was a wreck. On the outside, I was okay. I was just a normal college student struggling through the week before fall break, stressing over the few remaining things that needed to be done before leaving town for a few days. I didn't want people to know how I was really feeling about my mum. I kinda opened up to a friend on tumblr, but it was a struggle to just be completely open and honest with her.

Now that I'm facing the end of break and the start of going back to reality, I'm realising that I haven't overcome any of this. And that sucks. A lot.

I wanted to be over this. Well, at least as "over this" as I could possibly be. But I'm not.

The thing is, I know what I have to do. But I'm being stubborn and not wanting to reach out to the one that I know can and will help me. And I have no excuse for that.

Honestly... I think that's the most unthinkable thing about this ordeal.