I haven't blogged in quite awhile. Almost two months. It's crazy the amount of life that has transpired in that amount of time.
I've thought about writing many times, but I just haven't been able to find the right words at the right time.
And yet here I find myself, at a 24 hour diner of sorts in the college town I used to call home with my best friend. It's 1 o'clock in the morning, and I'm overwhelmed with words.
The past month has taught me an important lesson. A few lessons, actually. And they all deal with the topic we all hate and choose to ignore on a daily basis: growing up.
It's no secret that I have this fear of becoming an adult. I love the freedom that comes with adulthood. I love the idea of being on my own and being my own person. But the responsibilities that come with it scare the living daylights out of me. Paying every single bill out of my paycheck? No, thank you. Killing that spider in the corner of the room? Please, don't make me. Calling to set up my own doctor's appointment? You're kidding, right?
During this journey to adulthood I've had my fair share of stupid decisions and stumbles. However I'm not going to talk about those today. Yes, they've taught me many lessons over the years, but I feel the need to focus on the struggles that others in my life have gone through in the past few weeks and how they have effected me. That may sound a bit selfish on my part, but stick with me and hear me out.
The first lesson I learned (more so was reminded of) is that life can change so fast. You know the song Night Changes by One Direction? There's a line in the chorus that says "does it ever drive you crazy just how fast the night changes?" I know it's a top 40 pop song, but there is so much truth in that statement. In the period of less than two weeks I watched my best friend's life fall apart. He went from feeling on top of the world to feeling like he hit lower than rock bottom literally overnight. I myself learned this lesson about a year ago. I was in a similar (albeit very different) situation. Listening to him describe what transpired for him brought back so many memories of what I went through. My heart broke for him. Which actually brings me to the next lesson that I learned.
I care very deeply about the people I choose to surround myself with. I am one of the shyest people that I know. I don't do well in social gatherings; I flounder in new situations. The only times I don't become incredibly awkward or withdrawn (let's be real, sometimes I do both) is when I'm with friends. If I'm close enough to someone to let my walls down, you better believe there is something incredibly special about that person. And when that's the case, I love and care so deeply about them. Sometimes that leads to my own demise. Okay, demise is a really strong, harsh word; I don't actually die. However, I allow the pain and heartache of other people effect me very strongly. There were several days in the past month that I felt myself on a roller coaster of emotions and going though various physical states. In other words it felt like my own life was falling apart. Is this healthy? No. Can I help it? Not really. But it reminds me that I have such a capacity to love others and care about them.
Lesson number three relates back to another musical number. Sometimes wishing can be dangerous. Having hopes and dreams and aspirations isn't inherently bad. It's knowing which ones are worth chasing after and which ones are not. Sometimes when our heart says one thing and our heads say something else, it's hard to ignore the thing that we think we truly want. There's another song on the top 40 charts right now about the heart wanting what it wants. Yeah, but that's not always what the heart needs. In the musical Into The Woods, the characters open the show by singing about things that they wish for. The end of the musical shows the remaining characters after they get what they wish for. Basically it teaches viewers about the costs that come with getting that one thing that you want most of all, what getting that thing you wish for can mean. A lot of things can happen in the Wood. As you move into adulthood, sometimes trusting your heart and taking a leap of faith is a great thing. But successfully becoming an adult means that you still weigh the pros and cons of your actions before you blindly follow your heart.
The final lesson I want to share with you is a hard one for me to actually get into my head. Some people just need to learn from their mistakes. No amount of advice or saying "hey, I think this a bad idea for reasons a, b, and c..." will change their minds. I don't ever claim to have all of the answers in life. If I did, I would definitely be doing much better for myself than I actually am. But I am always willing to share my thoughts and life experiences with those close to me if I think it will help them out. The difficulty for me comes when I tell someone one thing, they do another, and then things fall apart on them. I don't like to see those closest to me struggling or in pain. And when I see that they are because they made a decision that goes against what I advised them about, I take it personally. I know that I shouldn't, but that doesn't always mean that I don't.
This past Saturday I took my best friend to a playground. After all that happened to him in the weeks prior, I thought he could use a few hours to forget about life's troubles and just be a kid again. But when we pulled up to my favourite childhood establishment, it felt different. Yes, we spent two hours swinging on swings, sliding down slides, and running around, but it wasn't the same. The playground seemed smaller. The magic wasn't there. It wasn't until a few hours later when we were walking around downtown Chattanooga that I realised there isn't anything different about the playground. Nothing about that place has changed, except for a few wooden boards replaced here and there. I'm the one who changed. I'm different. It seems silly to think about it now. Like, duh, Brittany. Of course you're the different one. But let me finish. From the day we are conceived, we are constantly growing up. We are always moving on the path toward adulthood. For some, that path is cut short. For others, that path continues for upwards of 100 years. But we are all on our way. No matter how hard I try, I will never be a kid again. I will never have the mindset of a five year old. I will never have the responsibilities of a ten year old. I will never experience the magic of a wooded playland for myself again. The process happens for us at such a slow pace that it's hard to think of ourselves as this completely different person until we sit and really think about the person we were a year ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago.
Growing up is tough. Becoming an adult is one of the scariest things you will ever do. But the lessons that you learn along the way are so important. If there's one piece of advice I can give you, dear reader, it's this: don't do it alone. Things are going to get tough. You will experience things in your life that you never imagined you'd endure. You'll get though things you never thought were survivable. But surround yourself with a good support system. Even just having one friend that you can go to with anything and everything is better than having no one. But remember, friendship is not a one way street. You cannot expect someone to be there for you in your time of need if you aren't there for them in their time of need.
Invest in good friendships. I've found they are crucial in navigating your way toward adulthood. And quite honestly, I can't imagine a life, a world, without them.
